Infusion No. 6 (Last of the Series)

July 5th, 2018 – Infusion 6

Monday was my last infusion of a series of six. The past two and a half weeks have been physically and mentally exhausting, but have given me something I never expected- something Dr. Patel described as my “new normal”. 

There is still a lot of work for me to do, a learning period where I get used to what I’m calling my “refurbished brain”. Dr. Patel said that for some people, it can take six months to a year to really acclimate to this new normal. Like any other patient with a chronic illness, there’s a big question of “what’s next” following the remission of that illness. You have learned to live with your illness for so long that it is a major learning curve to to learn to live without it. 

Something that took up a huge amount of space in my life is now something I might not have to give much thought to anymore. A ton of limitations, both bigger picture and day-to-day, have been erased. There are parts of life that are suddenly accessible to me for the first time. Now I get to learn how to take advantage of them. 

So what is next? 

I will go in for my first booster treatment in 4-6 weeks. After that appointment, we will re-evaluate and see where I’m at. The hope is I will be able to stretch out the time between boosters, and hopefully taper off some of the medications I’m still on. The thought of being able to get off medication is both thrilling and terrifying. It’s something I never even took the time to consider, even after starting the ketamine infusions. It seemed so far-fetched, but now it’s a strong possibility. 

It still feels like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like the changes being made in my brain can’t possibly be real. But I do feel it. I feel hopeful (without feeling grossed out by that hope). I feel more resilient. For the first time, talking about the future doesn’t make me groan or think “I don’t want to be here for a future”.  If this is the best it gets, it’s a freaking huge win. Even if it gets bad again, just knowing it’s *possible* for me to feel this way is a game changer. 

Kristin