I feel like my superpowers have dwindled. It has been about three and half weeks since my last infusion. This past week, I have been feeling depressed. My mood has been low, the hopeless feeling has crept back in, and that bright and shiny future has faded. It’s still there, I can still see it, but the picture is blurred. I’ve found myself drawn to this quote from Sylvia Plath:
“What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.”
Falling back into a depressive state after treatment feels like one of the biggest bummers of my life. After treatment, I now know what it really means to feel good, so when I began feeling low again it felt so much worse. I also felt like I couldn’t talk about it. I didn’t want people to know things were bad-I felt that I had failed them. There was so much time and effort and money and kindness put in from everyone involved, and here I was just a few weeks later feeling like a failure.
But I can see that it is different. I am not back to how I was before I started treatment, and I recognize that a new baseline has been set. How I experience being depressed has changed.
Before treatment, depressive episodes had me majorly incapacitated. I often couldn’t work. Things like showering and eating right were a major struggle. The inability to concentrate and focus made it impossible to read or enjoy movies and shows. I was constantly battling intrusive thoughts. It was just incredibly difficult to participate in life.
While my mood has been low this past week, I have been functional. And that is a huge difference. I am working, showering, taking care of my apartment and taking care of myself. I finished a book and started another. I’ve been catching up on movies that have been on my list for ages. It’s undeniable the ketamine has made a difference and continues to improve my life.
My first booster appointment was set for July 30th. While I’m disappointed that I couldn’t make it that long, I’m hopeful that in the future I will be able to get some more time between treatments.
At the recommendation of my doctor, I will be going in tomorrow for an infusion. I’m looking forward to feeling better, and trying to keep in mind it’s all a process. It is not a cure. Even with all of my advocacy, my personal experiences and my education, I still fall victim to feelings of shame. I know it is not always going to be easy or pretty or convenient. I have to share the bad along with the good if I want to paint an honest picture.
Kristin
Kristin on Ketamine 