May 15th, 2020
“Treatment is complicated. I wish it were easier. Your persistence is required, so keep trying very hard” – My Uncle Steve
“These medical problems take something from you, and it happens insidiously. It happens so slowly that you do not always notice it is happening. While medicines can make you feel good, getting your confidence back and your autonomy back will only come from you pushing some of your boundaries … this process is lengthy…I know you are going to get better and get fully back on your feet, though that process may seem daunting. You can do it, but taking those first few small steps are the most difficult. I am confident that you are going to feel well again and be successful in finding happiness.” -Dr. Patel
The name of the game is *fight back*. Don’t give up. Keep pushing, keep trying, keep challenging your mental illness. But dear lord that is difficult. When your brain has been repeatedly chewed up and spit back out by mental illness, it becomes much harder. The fighter in you is tired.
The fight takes place on many levels.
You have medication- which may lessen some symptoms, as well as give you more strength and the ability to be in a position to fight. It says “here are some gloves and a mouth guard, good luck.”
You have therapy- which teaches you coping skills and how to recognize certain thought patterns and behaviors so you can be a more prepared and effective fighter. It’s like the coach that teaches you to jab and swerve and duck. Maybe do a cool trick off the ropes or something.
When it comes down to it, these tools are great but they are not enough on their own. It’s still just you alone in the ring. You, who knows from experience that you’re going to get kicked in the teeth, repeatedly. And yes, the mouth guard helps, but it still hurts like hell. You’re the one who is going round after round after round. Yes, the lessons you learned can make the fight less damaging and more evenly matched. But you’re inevitably still going to come out bruised and bloody and tired. But you have to fricken do it anyways. It takes YOU.
And that’s both the incredible part and the shittiest part. Every time you survive a round with your mental illness, that’s YOU. You did that. You said “NOT TODAY BITCH!” or sometimes it’s more like “please leave me alone now”. Either way, YOU are powerful and you survived. The reason I say it’s the shittiest part too- because as empowering as it is to be a fighter and get through your worst moments and keep going- is that you have to do it again and again. Forever. It’s on you. You can’t tag anyone in. You can’t take a break. You have to keep fighting.
For me, my fight is daily. I have to choose to fight every day- to get out of bed, to go for a walk, to text a friend, to work on not letting my depression and anxiety take away any more of who I am. I’m fighting to get myself back, whatever that may look like. Sometimes I’m not even sure exactly what I’m fighting for because I don’t really know who I am outside of my mental illness. But I guess I’m fighting to find that out.
Today was round 2 of 3 treatments that I am receiving in quick succession. I had some luck with my treatment last week, indicating the ketamine is still working on some level. It’s just isn’t quite as effective as it has been in the past. My next one is on Monday. We’re hoping this will get me to a point of stability. If not, I will probably take a 3 month tolerance break and then re-load. Dr. Patel has found that to be extremely effective for his patients.
No matter what happens next, the fight continues to be on me. It’s more than the meds and therapy. I must keep pushing myself, keep looking forward. I’m taking baby steps, but a lot of them. And I’m using all the tools I can. And I’m still freaking fighting (even if it’s often begrudgingly).
Kristin on Ketamine 