I rarely write when I’m happy

… and that is a pretty good problem to have right now.

My last round of treatments was a success. My mood has been elevated, and I have been in a much better place than I had been in months. I feel lighter, more resilient, and more determined to keep fighting.

Feeling good after a long period of depression is strange. At first you don’t really trust yourself – Am I really feeling happy or do I just wish I was happy? And then you realize that your brain doesn’t just let you pretend to be happy – this must be the real deal! And then the thought – People just FEEL this way?! That must be nice! Some anxiety comes along with the mood change as well. You know from experience that this happiness is likely temporary. Bipolar disorder comes in waves, and it’s an inevitable part of the disease that you will feel down again. But what I am working on is taking full advantage of my good days so that I’m in a better position to fight during my bad days.

These past few weeks I’ve been working on taking baby steps to create new healthy habits. I’m using an app called “Strides” to track my progress. I’m working on incorporating exercise (something that does NOT come naturally to me) and bought myself some rollerblades to make it a more enjoyable activity. I set reminders on my phone to reach out to friends 5x/week so that I don’t begin to isolate or withdraw. Relationships and support and connections to people are great protective barriers against depressive symptoms. I also have goals to stretch every day, and to try to watch two movies a month that I’ve had on my list forever (depression makes you lose interest in things you usually enjoy. I’m hoping this will help me re-train my brain to seek out things that I enjoy). My biggest challenge right now is fighting the anxiety and agoraphobia that’s been gaining power during the last several months. I’m pushing myself to go outdoors for small periods of time every day.

Without the infusions, none of the things I mentioned would be possible. The goal setting, the HOPE I have, the drive to get better and keep challenging myself are all possible because the ketamine treatments help keep the depression and suicidal thoughts at bay. The treatments provide me with room to breathe and hope, with extra space in my head as well as energy and focus to work on the other parts of my mental health. It also gives me my voice back. When I am down, I feel helpless and hopeless. I have no voice rallying against the darkness, no voice that says there is so much more to you than how you’re feeling right now. After my last treatments my voice has returned. I am finding that I do, in fact, like parts of myself. I’m not just this blackhole of depression and despair. There is more to Kristin and I am still finding her. I am so grateful for that chance.

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With my depression currently managed, I am working on getting other parts of me healthy. The infusions are a part of it – but recovery is a big picture, and a multi-faceted process.

Other Steps I’m Taking:
– Seeing a therapist to work on coping skills, anxiety, and talking through past traumas

– Made an intake appointment to get a psychiatrist so I can possibly start on meds for anxiety

– Made my first appointment with the pain clinic that my physician recommended. Unfortunately, the surgery I had in March for my chronic (and unexplained) pelvic pain did not work as well as we had initially hoped. I’ve been having more pain with increasing intensity so we’re on to the next doctors in search of help/answers.

The sun is out, and for the first time in a long time I can actually feel its warmth and light. These are the moments I need to look back on when things go dark again. It is possible for me to feel okay. It’s possible for me to feel HAPPINESS even. It’s just more of a challenge, and something I have to keep fighting for.

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