As I looked back at my previous post I laughed – I didn’t even recognize the person who wrote those words. Mental illness is so challenging. When it’s bad it can be so bad. To be afraid of your brain and the things it makes you think is a uniquely terrifying feeling.
Much has happened since I posted last. I have been continuing ketamine treatments; my last infusion was three days ago. I’m not sure why, but it was hands down the most difficult “trip” I’ve experienced so far. I seemed to lose all sense of reality entirely. I couldn’t figure out where I was, what was really happening, how much time had passed. Usually during my infusions I can somewhat orient myself even when I get confused. This time was the most out of touch with reality I have been and I couldn’t seem to bring myself back. It caused a lot of anxiety. The ketamine hangover was rough as well – I woke up the next morning with a severe migraine, nausea, and brain fog.
Now that I’ve had the weekend to recover I’m feeling a bit stronger, and I’m hopeful that it will get my brain to a better and brighter place.
In my previous post I mentioned finding a psychiatrist and starting medication to help with my severe anxiety and agoraphobia. After a lot of insurance bullshit, not to mention the insane waiting times and the fact that some places are not even accepting new patients due to high volume, I *was* able to connect and get started with a psychiatrist.
The first medication we tried was Paxil – to say it did not go well is an understatement. The medication seemed to have triggered some sort of episode for me. Random crying, paranoia, mood swings, dissociation, distorted thinking, and racing thoughts were all mixed with extremely low, depressed mood. I couldn’t eat, I slept constantly, and I felt completely unstable, unsafe, and erratic. It was a nightmare. I had to miss a family vacation that I had been looking forward to because I simply did not feel that I could keep myself safe or sane enough. I felt like my brain was turning itself inside out. I found myself singing let’s not have a mental breakdown today multiple times a day (Spoiler alert: the song didn’t help). I couldn’t focus and I just felt this darkness emanating from inside my head. I knew the lens with which I saw the world was tainted, but it all felt incredibly real. I didn’t think I’d ever feel like myself again. I felt strange, half dead, and alone in the weirdness.
[[Shoutout to my friends and family who supported me and kept me safe during all this! You guys really should get compensated or at least a vacation or something]]
With the help of my psychiatrist, I was weaned off the Paxil and started on an antipsychotic to help get me stable. I am now completely off the Paxil and have started Lexapro. Fingers crossed that it goes much smoother!
In addition to my mental health struggles, I’ve been having some physical stuff going on (I guess the brain stuff isn’t enough- maybe I needed to diversify my portfolio a bit?). The surgery in March did not help like we had hoped and I am still having quite a bit of pain. Since my last post, I had an appointment with a pain specialist. She determined the mystery pain is likely nerve pain due to the multiple surgeries I have had in that area (4 now!). I went in for a nerve block June 30th, which helped a TON- for like two weeks.
I’m scheduled for a second nerve block on August 12th (which will hopefully last longer). We also discussed more permanent options- one being a plan I like to call “Robot Kristin”. Although it would technically make me a cyborg and not a robot, this plan is where a Spinal Cord Stimulator would be implanted to help control my pain. I’m extremely nervous for this option but excited at the potential relief it could bring. I really would like my body and life back. Cyborgs are cool.
Last but not least- I moved! Corey bought us a house and we moved in the first week of July. It’s lovely and we’re very excited to be here.
Kristin on Ketamine 