June 22nd, 2018 – Treatment 2

Throughout my treatment they will increase the dose of ketamine at each infusion until we start seeing some changes. Because of this, my experience today was much more intense. I’m so thankful that my mom and Corey were able to be there for me, and for the incredibly kind and attentive staff that do everything they can to keep me as comfortable as possible. 

Thank you to all my friends & family checking in on me and encouraging me 💜

Kristin

06.18.18 – Before beginning treatment

I was formally diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder when I was 13. This would be the beginning of a long, painful, and frustrating journey to find relief. Therapists and psychiatrists became a staple in my life, the best of them giving me tools that I would then carry with me like a flashlight as I continued to navigate through the darkness. 

In college, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (Type 2). This diagnosis, while frustrating, gave some validation to all the things I had been experiencing. Previous diagnoses never seem to quite fit, and I am grateful to the doctor who finally got it right.This created a new opportunity to find a medication regime that might allow me to get back to “normal”. 

[[I want to clarify that when I use “normal”, I mean a neutral level that allows me to function to the best of my ability. For me, “normal” is the baseline where my anxiety and mood episodes are manageable.]]

Despite this, as I got older my mental illness became a larger and more destructive monster in my life. It demanded attention. It was a constant fight for survival and sanity. I no longer felt that I was living, but merely hanging on in hopes that someday I would get my life back.

My mental illness made it impossible to graduate college. Each time I would try to finish, I would inevitably fail. Exhaustion, the inability to concentrate, memory loss, and suicidal thoughts weighed me down. Anxiety paralyzed me and kept me locked inside my house. As someone who has always loved school and did well in school, this was particularly devastating. My brain was no longer my own. The bright, inquisitive, bookworm Kristin was buried too far down.

I continued on, and so did my my mental illness. I found myself losing jobs because I was unable to maintain any kind of consistency. Friends fell away while I isolated myself. The world was moving on without me and I was trapped. The girl I used to be was suffocating. 

I continued to seek help with therapy and medication. Therapy is a wonderful tool (I recommend it to everybody!) and I have learned a lot of great coping mechanisms over the years. But therapy by itself was not enough for me. I needed help correcting the chemical imbalance in my brain. 

When it comes to treating mental illness, we are essentially still in the dark ages. Psychiatrists do the best with what they have, but it is pretty much a guessing game. You try a medication, fight through weeks of side effects, and see what happens. When that doesn’t work you go through the process again with a new medication. If you find something mildly helpful, it’s then a trial of finding the perfect dose. Sometimes you might have to add another medication in hopes of getting the most benefit. 

For the last 15 years, I’ve been on this ever changing medley of medications to try and keep my symptoms under control and allow me to live my life as best I could. Variants of anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, sleep aids, anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety medications. Dozens of failures. 

There is hope on the horizon for people like me. People who are fighting for their lives. People who have resigned to a life of trial and error. A new treatment that can provide relief almost immediately. No waiting period, no side effects. Although not yet FDA approved, there have been tons of success stories and years of research in support of this treatment. 

I have been withholding sharing this new journey of mine. I have always maintained that being open and honest about mental health is the only way to spread knowledge and fight stigma. But for some reason, this felt different. For the first time, I was very much afraid of being judged. But I want to fight that fear. I want to use it and I want to help people understand. Those of us battling mental illness are fighters – we have to be. I want to show the world, and more importantly myself, that I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay. To try and fight. And I think I have found my best chance.

Soon I will be staring Ketamine Infusions. It is the most hopeful treatment option I’ve heard of, boasting a 70-80% success rate in patients with mood disorders. Reading patient testimonials almost had me in tears. I so desperately want this to work. I want to feel what it’s like to be a participant in the world around me. To feel truly alive again. Ketamine is not FDA approved. It is not offered by your local doctor or psychiatrist. While experimental, these are still legitimate medical clinics offering monitored treatment by medical doctors. This is not a new trend, or some transient or bogus treatment. It does not go against current treatments or replace all medications entirely. It has been studied and researched and tested for years, and you can find a ton of scientific and peer-reviewed articles to substantiate it’s legitimacy.

Ketamine has essentially zero side effects. Many people feel the benefits in just one or two treatments. For all intents and purposes, the biggest risk is that it may not work for me. I think of all of the side effects my body has endured over the years, all the episodes I fought through, all the moments I was so close to truly giving up  – and it’s no surpise this was a no-brainer. I am taking a leap of faith. I am choosing to take a chance on this. I have a wonderful support network, and whether this succeeds or fails, I will continue to fight.

Kristin

Learn more about this treatment from the Midwest Ketamine Center where I’m receiving treatment, and The Ketamine Advocacy Network