I feel like my superpowers have dwindled. It has been about three and half weeks since my last infusion. This past week, I have been feeling depressed. My mood has been low, the hopeless feeling has crept back in, and that bright and shiny future has faded. It’s still there, I can still see it, but the picture is blurred. I’ve found myself drawn to this quote from Sylvia Plath:

“What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.”

Falling back into a depressive state after treatment feels like one of the biggest bummers of my life. After treatment, I now know what it really means to feel good, so when I began feeling low again it felt so much worse. I also felt like I couldn’t talk about it. I didn’t want people to know things were bad-I felt that I had failed them. There was so much time and effort and money and kindness put in from everyone involved, and here I was just a few weeks later feeling like a failure. 

But I can see that it is different. I am not back to how I was before I started treatment, and I recognize that a new baseline has been set. How I experience being depressed has changed. 

Before treatment, depressive episodes had me majorly incapacitated. I often couldn’t work. Things like showering and eating right were a major struggle. The inability to concentrate and focus made it impossible to read or enjoy movies and shows. I was constantly battling intrusive thoughts. It was just incredibly difficult to participate in life. 

While my mood has been low this past week, I have been functional. And that is a huge difference. I am working, showering, taking care of my apartment and taking care of myself. I finished a book and started another. I’ve been catching up on movies that have been on my list for ages. It’s undeniable the ketamine has made a difference and continues to improve my life.

My first booster appointment was set for July 30th. While I’m disappointed that I couldn’t make it that long, I’m hopeful that in the future I will be able to get some more time between treatments.

 At the recommendation of my doctor, I will be going in tomorrow for an infusion. I’m looking forward to feeling better, and trying to keep in mind it’s all a process. It is not a cure. Even with all of my advocacy, my personal experiences and my education, I still fall victim to feelings of shame. I know it is not always going to be easy or pretty or convenient. I have to share the bad along with the good if I want to paint an honest picture. 

Kristin

July 5th, 2018 – Infusion 6

Monday was my last infusion of a series of six. The past two and a half weeks have been physically and mentally exhausting, but have given me something I never expected- something Dr. Patel described as my “new normal”. 

There is still a lot of work for me to do, a learning period where I get used to what I’m calling my “refurbished brain”. Dr. Patel said that for some people, it can take six months to a year to really acclimate to this new normal. Like any other patient with a chronic illness, there’s a big question of “what’s next” following the remission of that illness. You have learned to live with your illness for so long that it is a major learning curve to to learn to live without it. 

Something that took up a huge amount of space in my life is now something I might not have to give much thought to anymore. A ton of limitations, both bigger picture and day-to-day, have been erased. There are parts of life that are suddenly accessible to me for the first time. Now I get to learn how to take advantage of them. 

So what is next? 

I will go in for my first booster treatment in 4-6 weeks. After that appointment, we will re-evaluate and see where I’m at. The hope is I will be able to stretch out the time between boosters, and hopefully taper off some of the medications I’m still on. The thought of being able to get off medication is both thrilling and terrifying. It’s something I never even took the time to consider, even after starting the ketamine infusions. It seemed so far-fetched, but now it’s a strong possibility. 

It still feels like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like the changes being made in my brain can’t possibly be real. But I do feel it. I feel hopeful (without feeling grossed out by that hope). I feel more resilient. For the first time, talking about the future doesn’t make me groan or think “I don’t want to be here for a future”.  If this is the best it gets, it’s a freaking huge win. Even if it gets bad again, just knowing it’s *possible* for me to feel this way is a game changer. 

Kristin 

June 26th, 2018

Things I’ve noticed since beginning treatment:

• Less or no nightmares
  
• No intrusive thoughts
  
• Having feelings 
  
• No longer terrified of facing abuser
  
• Waking up easier 
  
• Hopeful about the future 
  
• More confident in ability to handle future 

June 27th, 2018 – Infusion 4

My treatment saga continues! Corey and I met with Dr. Patel this morning and agreed that there have definitely been some improvements. 

While some lucky individuals feel a difference from day one, most ketamine patients experience a more gradual effect. Dr. Patel assured us that I was right on schedule for that second type of patient- most of the changes become noticeable at some point in Week 2 of treatment and will become more pronounced with each additional infusion. 

With that good news I completed infusion number four and am feeling very hopeful! It’s still all very subtle- at this point I’m still mostly taking others people word for it that they’ve seen a difference. There’s still a long way to go. 

Some little things I have noticed- it’s easier to wake up in the morning and my brain isn’t already exhausted by what the day might bring. I’ve had a significant reduction in nightmares (I used to have them almost every night!). I feel less drained by conversation and the thought of leaving my house doesn’t make me want to scream. The other day I had to get gas and it wasn’t even a whole thing! (That one might sound odd but little things like that used to be so stressful). 

This treatment is *work*. It is draining, often scary, and the most intense experience I’ve ever had. But the outpour of support has been incredible and has given me so much strength – thank you to all my friends, family, and everyone else who has been kind enough to keep me in their thoughts. Hopefully things continue to go well- two more infusions to go!

Kristin

June 25th, 2018 – Infusion 3

Today was my 3rd infusion. Typically, most patients see some sort of change by now. After today, the hope is that we will be able to determine there has been some positive change and we will continue treatment as planned. If the doctor determines the ketamine infusions don’t seem to be working, he may advise we stop treatment. 

Ketamine is not FDA approved, and is not covered by insurance whatsoever. My SAINT of a mother, who continues to believe in me with such intensity and love, and who continues to fight for my health after all I’ve put her through over the years, is paying for everything herself. Let me tell you, I will be gladly in debt to my mother for the many many many times she’s given me another shot at health and happiness at great expense . 

From the start, we knew this was a gamble. The next few days sort of determine how much more we put on the line – not just with money, but with hope.  Bebe, the very warm and kind office manager at the Ketamine clinic talked about how false hope can be incredibly damaging. And that’s something we have been gambling with as well. 

 It’s super hard because they have said that I won’t notice change. In fact, they have let me know that I will be the *last* to know. So it comes down to Corey and my mom and other people in my life. Looking for something new, something shiny maybe, or some part of me that hasn’t seen the light in a long time. A warmth behind my eyes, a lightness in my spirit, a subtle hint that those changes in my brain are taking place. 

Kristin

June 22nd, 2018 – Treatment 2

Throughout my treatment they will increase the dose of ketamine at each infusion until we start seeing some changes. Because of this, my experience today was much more intense. I’m so thankful that my mom and Corey were able to be there for me, and for the incredibly kind and attentive staff that do everything they can to keep me as comfortable as possible. 

Thank you to all my friends & family checking in on me and encouraging me 💜

Kristin

06.18.18 – Before beginning treatment

I was formally diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder when I was 13. This would be the beginning of a long, painful, and frustrating journey to find relief. Therapists and psychiatrists became a staple in my life, the best of them giving me tools that I would then carry with me like a flashlight as I continued to navigate through the darkness. 

In college, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (Type 2). This diagnosis, while frustrating, gave some validation to all the things I had been experiencing. Previous diagnoses never seem to quite fit, and I am grateful to the doctor who finally got it right.This created a new opportunity to find a medication regime that might allow me to get back to “normal”. 

[[I want to clarify that when I use “normal”, I mean a neutral level that allows me to function to the best of my ability. For me, “normal” is the baseline where my anxiety and mood episodes are manageable.]]

Despite this, as I got older my mental illness became a larger and more destructive monster in my life. It demanded attention. It was a constant fight for survival and sanity. I no longer felt that I was living, but merely hanging on in hopes that someday I would get my life back.

My mental illness made it impossible to graduate college. Each time I would try to finish, I would inevitably fail. Exhaustion, the inability to concentrate, memory loss, and suicidal thoughts weighed me down. Anxiety paralyzed me and kept me locked inside my house. As someone who has always loved school and did well in school, this was particularly devastating. My brain was no longer my own. The bright, inquisitive, bookworm Kristin was buried too far down.

I continued on, and so did my my mental illness. I found myself losing jobs because I was unable to maintain any kind of consistency. Friends fell away while I isolated myself. The world was moving on without me and I was trapped. The girl I used to be was suffocating. 

I continued to seek help with therapy and medication. Therapy is a wonderful tool (I recommend it to everybody!) and I have learned a lot of great coping mechanisms over the years. But therapy by itself was not enough for me. I needed help correcting the chemical imbalance in my brain. 

When it comes to treating mental illness, we are essentially still in the dark ages. Psychiatrists do the best with what they have, but it is pretty much a guessing game. You try a medication, fight through weeks of side effects, and see what happens. When that doesn’t work you go through the process again with a new medication. If you find something mildly helpful, it’s then a trial of finding the perfect dose. Sometimes you might have to add another medication in hopes of getting the most benefit. 

For the last 15 years, I’ve been on this ever changing medley of medications to try and keep my symptoms under control and allow me to live my life as best I could. Variants of anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, sleep aids, anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety medications. Dozens of failures. 

There is hope on the horizon for people like me. People who are fighting for their lives. People who have resigned to a life of trial and error. A new treatment that can provide relief almost immediately. No waiting period, no side effects. Although not yet FDA approved, there have been tons of success stories and years of research in support of this treatment. 

I have been withholding sharing this new journey of mine. I have always maintained that being open and honest about mental health is the only way to spread knowledge and fight stigma. But for some reason, this felt different. For the first time, I was very much afraid of being judged. But I want to fight that fear. I want to use it and I want to help people understand. Those of us battling mental illness are fighters – we have to be. I want to show the world, and more importantly myself, that I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay. To try and fight. And I think I have found my best chance.

Soon I will be staring Ketamine Infusions. It is the most hopeful treatment option I’ve heard of, boasting a 70-80% success rate in patients with mood disorders. Reading patient testimonials almost had me in tears. I so desperately want this to work. I want to feel what it’s like to be a participant in the world around me. To feel truly alive again. Ketamine is not FDA approved. It is not offered by your local doctor or psychiatrist. While experimental, these are still legitimate medical clinics offering monitored treatment by medical doctors. This is not a new trend, or some transient or bogus treatment. It does not go against current treatments or replace all medications entirely. It has been studied and researched and tested for years, and you can find a ton of scientific and peer-reviewed articles to substantiate it’s legitimacy.

Ketamine has essentially zero side effects. Many people feel the benefits in just one or two treatments. For all intents and purposes, the biggest risk is that it may not work for me. I think of all of the side effects my body has endured over the years, all the episodes I fought through, all the moments I was so close to truly giving up  – and it’s no surpise this was a no-brainer. I am taking a leap of faith. I am choosing to take a chance on this. I have a wonderful support network, and whether this succeeds or fails, I will continue to fight.

Kristin

Learn more about this treatment from the Midwest Ketamine Center where I’m receiving treatment, and The Ketamine Advocacy Network