WOW it has been awhile since I last posted. With the state of the world and everyone having to face new challenges, I felt silly blogging about my issues. Everyone has struggled lately. However, through quarantine I’ve realized just how important it is to be able to relate to one another. The sense of kinship we discover among people who go through similar things often gives us strength. Feeling SEEN, feeling HEARD, feeling VALIDATED does wonders for the head and heart.  At least it does for me. On the off chance someone reading this feels that sense of kinship, I wanted to be sure to get back on here and open up about my experiences.

Ketamine

This blog began with my ketamine journey, so let’s start there. I have been fortunate enough to still receive regular infusions and I believe they help me significantly. Additionally, with the help of Zoloft, I have even been able to reach my longest break between infusions – 8 weeks! Hopefully that will become the new normal for me (as opposed to once a month). Between the Zoloft and Ketamine, my most severe depression symptoms are largely under control. It’s not a cure, but the ketamine gives me more space and resiliency to deal with any mood episodes. The depression isn’t quite as debilitating, the negative thoughts hold less power, and I am better able to combat those feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. It is a tool, along with Zoloft and therapy, that I can put to work against my mental illness. For that I am so thankful.

Chronic Pain

Although I probably should have created a separate blog for my pain journey, for now I’d like to skip to the end – On February 3^rd, 2021 I had another surgery (#5 I believe?) where they implanted a permanent spinal cord stimulator to help me manage my pain. The surgery went well, and for the most part I am healed (although full healing takes a few months). The next step is a somewhat slow process where every few days I change the program or the intensity of the stimulator as I try and find what will work best for my pain. My primary area of pain is the nerve damage in my pelvis, which extends down inside my right leg as well as into my right  hip. I control the stimulator with a small remote that contains 5 programs, each with 7 levels of intensity. After every adjustment, I have been instructed to give about 48 hours for the full effect. They have the ability to combine programs – if one setting works best for my leg but another works better for my pelvis they can combine that and customize it! They have hundreds of program options, so it’s just a matter of time before I find one that greatly improved my pain.

For now, I’m still stuck in this weird limbo between having had surgery to make me better but not *actually* being better yet. It can get quite frustrating, which in turn makes me feel guilty – I’m lucky to have had surgery! But after over a year of pain, I am eager to put this chapter behind me. If you have questions or comments about the SCS, the trial, or how I got to this point in my pain journey, please feel free to reach out to me.

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Other mental health musings

The thought of trying to go “back to normal” makes me physically nauseous. I have adjusted fairly well to my current situation – coping with chronic pain and living through a pandemic. For me, this meant spending a lot of time alone and not leaving my house (most days I barely even leave my room!), as well as setting lower expectations of myself for each day. As I continue to get a better grasp on my pain and as the world starts to open up again,  I find myself feeling  completely inadequate. I am not ready to go back to the big picture. I enjoy the small spaces I inhabit now, places I feel safe and comfortable.

Isolation has taught me a lot about myself and I have found I now have a lower tolerance for pretending, for being uncomfortable, and for expending energy on things that don’t interest me or serve me. Another factor of being “stuck” at home is that it allows me to stay in an environment that caters to my sensitivities. When I need quiet, I get it. I can easily avoid feeling overstimulated or overwhelmed. I can disengage when I need to, not having to worry about how strange I must look as I stare at a spot on the wall for half an hour.  There is no pressure to be“on” all the time, I don’t feel on edge or like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I realized I spend a lot of time in flight or fight mode. 

Obviously, I have quite a bit to work on, and I imagine I am not the only one. The pandemic will continue to have a major effect on mental well-being, exacerbating previous problems as well as bringing to light new issues. Whatever you may be feeling right now is VALID, and you are absolutely not alone. Be gentle with yourself and others. Ask for help (if you’re in the US text 741-741 to be connected to a trained crisis counselor).