As I looked back at my previous post I laughed – I didn’t even recognize the person who wrote those words. Mental illness is so challenging. When it’s bad it can be so bad. To be afraid of your brain and the things it makes you think is a uniquely terrifying feeling.

Much has happened since I posted last. I have been continuing ketamine treatments; my last infusion was three days ago. I’m not sure why, but it was hands down the most difficult “trip” I’ve experienced so far. I seemed to lose all sense of reality entirely. I couldn’t figure out where I was, what was really happening, how much time had passed. Usually during my infusions I can somewhat orient myself even when I get confused. This time was the most out of touch with reality I have been and I couldn’t seem to bring myself back. It caused a lot of anxiety. The ketamine hangover was rough as well – I woke up the next morning with a severe migraine, nausea, and brain fog.

Now that I’ve had the weekend to recover I’m feeling a bit stronger, and I’m hopeful that it will get my brain to a better and brighter place.

In my previous post I mentioned finding a psychiatrist and starting medication to help with my severe anxiety and agoraphobia. After a lot of insurance bullshit, not to mention the insane waiting times and the fact that some places are not even accepting new patients due to high volume, I *was* able to connect and get started with a psychiatrist.

The first medication we tried was Paxil – to say it did not go well is an understatement. The medication seemed to have triggered some sort of episode for me. Random crying, paranoia, mood swings, dissociation, distorted thinking, and racing thoughts were all mixed with extremely low, depressed mood. I couldn’t eat, I slept constantly, and I felt completely unstable, unsafe, and erratic. It was a nightmare. I had to miss a family vacation that I had been looking forward to because I simply did not feel that I could keep myself safe or sane enough. I felt like my brain was turning itself inside out. I found myself singing let’s not have a mental breakdown today multiple times a day (Spoiler alert: the song didn’t help). I couldn’t focus and I just felt this darkness emanating from inside my head. I knew the lens with which I saw the world was tainted, but it all felt incredibly real. I didn’t think I’d ever feel like myself again. I felt strange, half dead, and alone in the weirdness.

[[Shoutout to my friends and family who supported me and kept me safe during all this! You guys really should get compensated or at least a vacation or something]]

With the help of my psychiatrist, I was weaned off the Paxil and started on an antipsychotic to help get me stable. I am now completely off the Paxil and have started Lexapro. Fingers crossed that it goes much smoother!

In addition to my mental health struggles, I’ve been having some physical stuff going on (I guess the brain stuff isn’t enough- maybe I needed to diversify my portfolio a bit?). The surgery in March did not help like we had hoped and I am still having quite a bit of pain. Since my last post, I had an appointment with a pain specialist. She determined the mystery pain is likely nerve pain due to the multiple surgeries I have had in that area (4 now!). I went in for a nerve block June 30th, which helped a TON- for like two weeks.

I’m scheduled for a second nerve block on August 12th (which will hopefully last longer). We also discussed more permanent options- one being a plan I like to call “Robot Kristin”. Although it would technically make me a cyborg and not a robot, this plan is where a Spinal Cord Stimulator would be implanted to help control my pain. I’m extremely nervous for this option but excited at the potential relief it could bring. I really would like my body and life back. Cyborgs are cool.

Last but not least- I moved! Corey bought us a house and we moved in the first week of July. It’s lovely and we’re very excited to be here.

… and that is a pretty good problem to have right now.

My last round of treatments was a success. My mood has been elevated, and I have been in a much better place than I had been in months. I feel lighter, more resilient, and more determined to keep fighting.

Feeling good after a long period of depression is strange. At first you don’t really trust yourself – Am I really feeling happy or do I just wish I was happy? And then you realize that your brain doesn’t just let you pretend to be happy – this must be the real deal! And then the thought – People just FEEL this way?! That must be nice! Some anxiety comes along with the mood change as well. You know from experience that this happiness is likely temporary. Bipolar disorder comes in waves, and it’s an inevitable part of the disease that you will feel down again. But what I am working on is taking full advantage of my good days so that I’m in a better position to fight during my bad days.

These past few weeks I’ve been working on taking baby steps to create new healthy habits. I’m using an app called “Strides” to track my progress. I’m working on incorporating exercise (something that does NOT come naturally to me) and bought myself some rollerblades to make it a more enjoyable activity. I set reminders on my phone to reach out to friends 5x/week so that I don’t begin to isolate or withdraw. Relationships and support and connections to people are great protective barriers against depressive symptoms. I also have goals to stretch every day, and to try to watch two movies a month that I’ve had on my list forever (depression makes you lose interest in things you usually enjoy. I’m hoping this will help me re-train my brain to seek out things that I enjoy). My biggest challenge right now is fighting the anxiety and agoraphobia that’s been gaining power during the last several months. I’m pushing myself to go outdoors for small periods of time every day.

Without the infusions, none of the things I mentioned would be possible. The goal setting, the HOPE I have, the drive to get better and keep challenging myself are all possible because the ketamine treatments help keep the depression and suicidal thoughts at bay. The treatments provide me with room to breathe and hope, with extra space in my head as well as energy and focus to work on the other parts of my mental health. It also gives me my voice back. When I am down, I feel helpless and hopeless. I have no voice rallying against the darkness, no voice that says there is so much more to you than how you’re feeling right now. After my last treatments my voice has returned. I am finding that I do, in fact, like parts of myself. I’m not just this blackhole of depression and despair. There is more to Kristin and I am still finding her. I am so grateful for that chance.

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With my depression currently managed, I am working on getting other parts of me healthy. The infusions are a part of it – but recovery is a big picture, and a multi-faceted process.

Other Steps I’m Taking:
– Seeing a therapist to work on coping skills, anxiety, and talking through past traumas

– Made an intake appointment to get a psychiatrist so I can possibly start on meds for anxiety

– Made my first appointment with the pain clinic that my physician recommended. Unfortunately, the surgery I had in March for my chronic (and unexplained) pelvic pain did not work as well as we had initially hoped. I’ve been having more pain with increasing intensity so we’re on to the next doctors in search of help/answers.

The sun is out, and for the first time in a long time I can actually feel its warmth and light. These are the moments I need to look back on when things go dark again. It is possible for me to feel okay. It’s possible for me to feel HAPPINESS even. It’s just more of a challenge, and something I have to keep fighting for.

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