Infusion #??? – Keep Trying

April 15, 2020

Yesterday I went in for another infusion. I only made it two and a half weeks (compared to my usual four weeks).

After my last appointment, I didn’t get any sort of boost. I still felt debilitatingly depressed, unable to function, and extremely hopeless. I wanted to just sleep forever. I couldn’t make myself eat, shower, or get out of bed. My normal distraction tools weren’t working for me- I couldn’t even watch TV.

It was the type of depressed that you feel throughout your whole body. My bones were made of lead. My brain was half-lit and encased in sludge. It was as if someone had drained the life and energy from me , and replaced it with tar and whatever the heaviest material on Earth is (Google says it’s Osmium). So there I lay, filled with Osmium, wondering why I bother to keep trying when it seems pretty obvious at this point that my brain and body want me dead. That’s when I knew I needed help.

I am incredibly lucky to have funds from the generous donations made to my GoFundMe page. This made it possible for me to get treatment when I needed it without having to worry too much about the additional costs. Thank you to those who have donated. ♥️

At my infusion, we discussed options. Since my last one did not help, it could mean several things. It could be a reaction to the current situation- I have talked in a previous post about how isolation and the global pandemic can worsen mental illness symptoms. Who *isn’t* feeling a bit hopeless? It could also be that I am developing a tolerance to the ketamine. This would be unfortunate, but it is something that happens, same with many other mood stabilizing drugs. In that case, they would recommend taking a break (typically about 3 months) to let your system reset. When patients take a break and come back, they find treatment to be much more effective. While that idea is mildly terrifying to me, I know it would be for a greater good. And I would manage somehow.

They increased my dose slightly during yesterday’s session in hopes that it might be the extra kick I need to feel better. So now we wait. If I get relief- that’s amazing. We know it’s still working for me. It’s possible I may need to go in a little more frequently during this time (they have some patients coming in weekly!). If I don’t get a boost- we discuss the option of taking a break to try and break down my tolerance.

This is another thing that is out of my control. My mental illness is not my fault, but it is my responsibility. Between therapy, infusions, using my coping skills, and now also looking into adding a psychiatrist- I am doing all I can to manage it. Hopefully it gets better. That’s all I can really do. Continue to hope that it can get better.

Feel free to leave a comment of how you manage – coping skills, words of encouragement, anything. Stay safe & healthy out there.