The other me

This week was full of letting people down. A full-blow anxiety attack at the DMV where Corey had to take me home. Another infusion appointment, when I was hoping for another week or two. A failed sleepover/movie night with my mom and aunt and sister, all because the darkness in me has been in control. Anxiety, depression, trauma, agoraphobia. They have been making my decisions. They have been dragging me back when I’m trying so hard to trudge forward.

I often feel that I am a disappointment. Like I’m challenging to love. There exists a version of myself that lives right under the surface, sometimes visible, and she is the one that people want around. Instead, what they get is me- dark, weighed down, distorted by my issues. Like looking into a reflection that isn’t fully mine, I can see her there if I look long enough.

I want to reach that other girl, to invite her to take my place. I know she would be the better sister, daughter, partner. She would do all the things Kayla wants to do, be the fun sister she deserves. She would support Corey better and create a more equal partnership. This alternate me would graduate from college, and go on to help people the way we were supposed to.

And I will gladly slip under the surface for her. Walk fully into the dark, submerged. Let her shine.

I said I’m sorry I’m a bit of a let-down

blink-182, Bored to Death